A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man: "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Boobs".

My wife likes to talk after sex. Last night, she called from the hotel.

Did you hear about the two peanuts walking through Central Park? One was a salted.

If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times don’t exaggerate!

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Two guys were playing golf, one of them was about to swing the golf club when he noticed a funeral procession going by on the street. The man stopped in mid-swing and closed his eyes and said a short prayer. The other man truly inspired, remarked, clearing his throat, “wow that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.” “Well”, the other man said “I was married to her for 35 years.”

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:    "Man: What's the problem officer?   Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.    Man: No sir, I was going 65.      Wife: Oh Peter. You were going 80.    (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)    Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.    Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!    Wife: Oh Peter, you've known about that tail light for weeks.    (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)    Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.    Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.    Wife: Oh Peter, you never wear your seat belt.    Man: Shut your mouth, woman!    Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?    Wife: No, only when he's drunk.   "